Note: I actually wrote the following post last year, right before my surgery… I added a few extra details but mostly left it as-is….so don’t be confused! I’m not having surgery tomorrow! I had it already and obviously lived to tell about it! Yay me! 😊
‘Twas the night before surgery, and all through my house…
Not a creature was stirring…except of course for ME and my nervous energy, my pacing feet, my nerves, my racing heartbeat, the knots in my stomach, the tears flowing down my cheeks, my endless worries, and my shaking hands…
So…not only the surgery but also the thymoma treatment options are on my mind and causing me major anxiety this evening.😢 look here: Thymoma treatment options
(take a seat and grab a drink, it’s long).
Tomorrow is my surgery. It’s not an easy one.
The risks are…the doctor is going to be poking around and removing the mass from an area between my lungs and above my heart. Major arteries run along that path. My tumor is sitting above my heart and my thoracic surgeon prepared me for the possibility that it could be attached to my heart requiring more extensive surgery than just the thymoma removal…
Praying we caught it early enough that the tumor hasn’t attached to anything else besides the thymus (which I don’t need and don’t care that they are taking it!).
I am praying no Cancer cells are found outside the thymoma… I don’t want to have to undergo radiation or chemotherapy.
I pray I’m telling the truth every time I reassure my sweet daughter that I’ll be fine! That everything will be ok. (That literally rips me apart each time she looks for reassurance because I truly don’t know exactly what I’m facing…)
My stomach is in knots. I’m not hungry. Which is good because I’m not allowed to eat after midnight anyways! But I don’t want to be dehydrated either, so I’m forcing myself to drink electrolyte water and I choked down a healthy protein drink for strength just before midnight.
My head hurts.
I’m holding back buckets of tears…yet somehow there are still tears flowing… My tear bucket is FULL and leaking 😢
I cry when nobody is watching. I cry in the shower and after everybody goes to bed.
I want to talk about it!
Yet, I don’t.
I have a hard time answering texts! (Me? Shocking I know!).
I want someone to listen to me pour out my feelings…yet, I’m feeling vulnerable and not wanting to “burden” others and be a Debbie downer.
I’m putting on a very strong front because I want to convince others I’m fine and they don’t need to worry! If they’re worrying, then I’m worrying… Ok, worrying even MORE, I guess. So please don’t tell me you’re worried!
Honestly, just having someone to sit with me, quietly…and not talk about it, is so comforting.
I have an amazing support system of family and friends. I would not get through this without them! The outpouring of love and support warms my heart❤️
My dear friend planned a special morning for me on Sunday. We had breakfast and she treated me to wonderful manicure and pedicure. ❤️
I have people texting and writing to check on me daily.
I’m blessed beyond words!
I’m not alone❤️
I can’t thank people enough for their love and support. I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes when it comes to receiving love and gifts… I’m much better at GIVING and making others happy❤️. So I hope people know and understand how grateful I am.
I’m So humbled…💕💕💕
I hid my tears all day as Hannah asked questions and most of all when she begged me to let her come and stay with me at the hospital…
This is tough.
As a mom, I am more worried about Hannah in all of this than myself… yet I’m SOOO determined to bounce back ASAP. It’s not even a question! I’m going to recover as quickly as humanly possible. I’ll do anything to get back to normal.
I hate this. I’ve been so positive for so long!
But if I can be honest for a moment…today was a rough day with Hannah. So many tears. She doesn’t understand why I need to have surgery and stay away from her. Breaks my heart. All my wonderful well calculated answers I provided hardly convince me…why should they convince her? I don’t wanna be away from my family. I’m scared of being under anesthesia for hours…
I’m scared what they will find when they open me up…
I’m just plain scared.
All the well meaning wonderful people ask me how they can help me…help us… I don’t even know how to answer anymore. The only thing I can think of is make Hannah happy! Distract her! Who cares about me??? Focus energy on her. Make sure my baby is ok… I’ll gladly endure any amount of pain to make sure she’s ok in all of this…😢
On another note…
Life keeps moving. Its not stopping for me to feel sorry for myself! And it certainly isn’t doing me any special favors in the last 24hours… I got Tabasco in my eye and got stung by a bee😕. And the bee sting on my behind is huge, red, sore and itchy today!
I’m a mess. 😕 plain and simple!
So, say a prayer for me…
Ok…diversion…Wanna hear more about the bee sting? It’s a fun story…
I was spending a lovely relaxing day at my favorite resort (JW Marriott Starr Pass) with my daughter, her friend, my friend and her daughter and friend!
It was almost time to leave and I sat up and swung my feet over the side of my lounge chair to put my sandals on and felt immediate burning pain. Awesome. Bee or wasp sting! Ugh!!! I pulled the stinger out and felt nauseous. Darn it.
I calmly asked my friend’s daughter to watch Hannah and her friend in the pool while I went to ask for Benadryl since I tend to react badly to certain bug stings…
I headed to the front desk and they told me “Loss Prevention” would be down to see me soon… Loss prevention? Really!? Am I property or a person? Lol I waited in the lobby and up walked a child about 20 years old…
“What’s the problem ma’am?”
“Ummm. A bee sting. Do you have Benadryl?”
“Did you get the stinger out? May I take a look at it?”
“It’s ok. I gut the stinger out. It’s on the back of my thigh right near my ummm…my butt”
“Ok”. Staring at me waiting for me to make a move…
Seriously! In the lobby? Ugh… Ok…
So I had to lift up my swimsuit cover and bend over and show him my bee sting backside/thigh in front of everybody! And this is all I got for it…